Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
You Might Also Like
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
pls suprot
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.