me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The first one, obviously
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.