In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.