“i am a sweet baby”
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.