“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
when someone compliments me
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*limbos under the caution tape
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.