Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
You Might Also Like
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*