Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.