the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Good point.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!