me after eating Cheetos
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Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE