If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
It took 3 employees to help me complete βself-checkoutβ today.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
HAVING KIDS
β’ expensive & boring
β’ they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
β’ cheap & exciting
β’ they will bring you gifts
β’ there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I donβt make the rules.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…heβs drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, βIβm Batman.β
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like youβre a goner.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Sorry Iβm late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughterβs hair for 25 minutes
βIs that a dead body?β I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.