1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
You Might Also Like
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled