8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.