Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
You Might Also Like
Butt weight. There’s more!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
new wife guy just dropped
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me