[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Any refunds available?…
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.