Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.