The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.