Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle