And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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Happens to everyone.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
when revenge coincides with naptime
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process