Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
he’s doing your taxes
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.