“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Salad is the decaf of food.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Straight people are cancelled
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.