*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it