best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!