You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.