Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My work here is done
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!