Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My background check bounced.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi