*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Jesus Christ lmao
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.