Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
inventing words: clothing
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.