What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
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My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Guy who likes music
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka