I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no