Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.