I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.