Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”