HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
You Might Also Like
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?