*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
wtf management?!
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.