March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I unironically love this joke.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch