A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
#Caturday
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
This is my emotional support knife.
was Jim off killing horses or…
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!