If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]