teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
#Caturday
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes