Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news