If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
They did not miss in the small print
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.