Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
definitely did not do anything wrong
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up