First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
How do you like your Corgi?
want me to check your oil?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango