95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.