so this horse walks into a bar
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everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
scares
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….