Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks