The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.