*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You Might Also Like
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
emergency phone
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.