u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I found your tweet-up…
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020