I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My current situation
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums