This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
You Might Also Like
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Ken is short for chicken
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
#Thanos #MondayMood
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em